Consent in Community

Hi folks - welcome to Ask Your Queer Auntie. I'm a queer NB femme with 30 years of kink experience. Not a therapist and have no formal medical or psychological training. Responses are my opinion and shouldn't be taken as gospel.

Hi Queer Auntie!

I've been wondering about your experiences in community around responding to non-consent or foul play. What ways have you seen communities promote accountability and healing for these situations? What responses have you seen that felt like they didn't work or could have gone differently? Have you been in communities with structured responses to non-consent? What did that look like?

Your insights on this would be great as we continue to build safer spaces for both new and experienced players <3

Signed,
Spicy Prepper

Dear Spicy Prepper,

Disclaimer: I'm talking here about violations of consent in a BDSM context, not physical violence or sexual assault, which cannot be tolerated, and which even transformative justice is not asking us to tolerate.

Lesson Number One: Get a Reference

I had one experience of blatant non-consent. Play was interrupted and the person was asked to leave. If they apologized, I don't remember. Later, that person reached out to the person who intervened and asked for a kink reference. They told them there was no way they would after what they did. The person who did the consent violation is no longer active in kink by their own choice.

So get a reference from a couple people.

Lesson Number Two: Take What You Like & Leave the Rest

Kink brings strange bedfellows. You might now cringe at the thought of certain kinks or demographics. However, these people are our kin. They might be 3rd cousins twice removed but still related to us. Some of these groups have excellent resources and procedures that can be adapted to fit.

For instance, Pittsburgh Bridge has implemented a comprehensive consent violation policy and process. When a group has forged a path, we should consider adapting their resources.

Adapt what you can from the people who came before you.

Lesson Number Three: You Gotta Talk About It

No one can fix something if they don't know about how you're feeling and what your experience was. This is not an easy conversation; However, you owe it to yourself and them to have it.

Tell people but give the person you played with the benefit of honesty and a swift discussion. Take someone with you who can be neutral, if you like.

Lesson Number Four: "The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House" - Audre Lorde

We need revolutionary structures to ensure our survival. Abolitionary goals, transformative justice, and mutual aid should be our hallmarks, because shunning and canceling replicate patriarchal models and don't keep us strong. Consent violations need to be talked about openly between the individuals, and the community needs to make this possible through structured mutual aid and resources.

I also want to reiterate that personal boundaries are not the same as community boundaries. Personal boundaries do not equal community shunning.

So let's do something new that fits our politics.

Nice to meet all of you and I can be reached @sassomatic on Fet.