Domming Wisdom

Hi folks - welcome to Ask Your Queer Auntie. I'm a queer NB femme with 30 years of kink experience. Not a therapist and have no formal medical or psychological training. Responses are my opinion and shouldn't be taken as gospel.

Hi Queer Auntie,

I'd love to hear your accumulated wisdom on domming. What makes a great Dom(me) to you, besides the obvious (but important) elements of consent and constant awareness of the flow of power?

Sincerely,
Dom Fine Cup of Coffee

Dear DFCoC,

The most important thing is humility. The person in front of you is giving up control to you and your responsibility is to own that lovingly. Lovingly ≠ gentle play.

Hubris is when a dominant believes only their desires need to be met and the bottom/sub is a tool for that. Consider the human in front of you.

The second is negotiation/ interrogation skills. Getting the balance between every exhaustive detail and not enough takes experience. Err on the side of too much when starting out.

Discuss trauma triggers both physical and mental as well as any physical limitations and allergies. Have first aid and aftercare supplies ready or have another person there who can provide this, if you're unable or unwilling to do it.

Knowing the triggers helps you to push the right buttons of anxiety, fear and/or embarrassment etc. to spark the tension you want. Pushing the wrong buttons can end the scene and potentially your budding relationship. Keep them off balance and remember you are confident and in control of their emotions and excitement. You become their anchor and can increase/decrease intensity to suit both of your needs.

Lastly use your negotiation skills to start the game. Explicitly stating what you want to do to them doesn't spoil the scene, it creates useful anticipation which works to your advantage.

Happy domming!