Internalized Homophobia & Sadism

Hi folks - welcome to Ask Your Queer Auntie. I'm a queer NB femme with 30 years of kink experience. Not a therapist and have no formal medical or psychological training. Responses are my opinion and shouldn't be taken as gospel.

Dear Queer Auntie,

I've been struggling to really embrace/accept my inner sadist, mostly due to some internalized homophobia that I'm still trying to shed. Any advice on how to embrace this desire? I've had a decent amount of domming experience, and it's an amazing time, but I can't quite shake the worry in the back of my head that it secretly makes me a monster. Does letting go of the internalized nonsense just come with time?

With gratitude,

Domming Desires

Dear Domming,

Part of the game is unleashing your inner monster. I'm positive that whatever you want, someone else wants to be on the receiving end.

I do some terrible things to some lovely people because we've agreed to those things in advance. I get to inflict pain, punishment, and humiliation because I have willing partners who trust me.

And even though consent is present, I've had shame based top drop after intense play. It always came down to not understanding my own emotional limits. I don't regret any play and I know more now about the hot things to think about or threaten without actually doing.

After an extended or emotionally intense play, a written scene report is required from the bottom within 24 hours. I want to quickly assess what worked and didn't as well as emotional impact before, during, and after. Then I can provide a thoughtful response and gauge my interest in repeating the play or not. Think of this as a play love letter.

So some pieces of advice: some things are better left to fantasy; own your desires and do them as safely as possible; require written scene reports within 24 hours to gauge both your and your partner's reactions; and you're allowed to not want to do things if you tried it and it didn't work.

BDSM is supposed to be enjoyable and if any play is not for any reason, stop doing it. And please try to get a mentor to talk through scenes in advance. Community is important for this exact reason.

Signed,

Your Queer Auntie